My Suicide

Once upon a movie, the memory
triggered from a time that refuses
to stay buried in the past

even though a promise made and kept
remains the most difficult task, due to
circumstances beyond the mortal control
of any one person

not everyone has the same story which
often leads to a copycat result, but maybe
there is synchronicity in their path

could it be that some share the same need
to be and feel loved, but why is it that we don’t?
personally, I know my parents and my child love me
but I need something far different from that

it’s been a longtime since I felt the touch that
found home, while the hugs and love you brothers
made in greetings are wonderful, yet usually stay
right where they were cast

people that consider it, often leave subtle hints in hope
that someone will talk to them about what is going on
they may do this several times before just fading away
becoming the mother fucker, in, “I can’t believe that mother
fucker did that to us” which is a shoe best never worn

sometimes they just lose their shit, while others lose everything
and in the continual taking away of puzzle pieces that complete,
the voices begin to bully, telling me, that everyone would be
better off without me because no one, not a soul loves me, but
little do they know, a promise made to a five-year-old makes
me stronger than all the voices combined

we may never know what causes people to hate their lives and I wish
there was a way to convince them to just remove the parts they hate
instead of creating a new group of victims left to wonder why

Robert S Katovski Olson2017

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Absolutely Nothing

It’s that sick feeling in the
pit of your stomach the same
one you thought was butterflies
early on

funny isn’t it, how a feeling can
have two meanings completely
opposite from one another

the pain experienced when a heart
breaks itself differs much from that
of the shattering caused by another

but then this feeling so many get hooked
on is nothing more than a lie perpetuated
on the need to mate

somewhere in time someone hung a price tag
on such a thing and then commerce was born
in the name of love

boiled down and dissected nothing about it is
free, for it can take your money, your happiness,
and your self-esteem

leaving you alone in a crowd where no one will even
see you, you’re just something to step around like
the indigent on the corner holding a sign worded
need a hug

there wasn’t a question there it was a request for
a basic human need, yet so many struggle on without

people often drop subtle hints as to what is wrong
or what they are about to do but humanity is too worried
about what will it cost them to reach out and touch someone

my butterflies turned to nausea, it’s a good thing I can swim
and or tread water because I realized that unless I come right
out and say that I’m hearing the voices and they keep saying
the same thing they have always said and I am still here alone
trying to be stronger than the very voices telling me I would be
better off

when all that it would take is for one person to realize that my
struggle is real and it could very well end in the dynamics of
something as simple as a caring embrace that cost absolutely
nothing

RobertSKatovskiOlson2017

A Cry For… never mind

I write books that no one reads
I perform in shows that people don’t come to
I love people in a way that I wish to be loved
which is more than anyone has ever loved me
and I keep going I keep loving people I keep
performing I keep writing I keep supporting
people that don’t support me and for what?

is it possible that I’m just not weird enough?
which is something I never thought I’d say.
it seems that I didn’t even fit in before I lost
my ability to drink I don’t smoke so really what
is there to socialize over. sometimes people
just go away quietly never wondering if anyone
will even remember their name.

so, whatever its been nice, these cracks aren’t
healing and I’m sinking deeper than ever before
my head has gone under my finger tips are all that’s
visible it’s dark underneath and I’m scared

lungs will only hold so much air which triggers
the survival instinct and the cycle is complete.
such is the life of a loner who only has friends
when he crosses their particular path

Robert Olson2017

A Feather, Stone and Leaf

In my hand, I hold a feather
gifted to me by the very
spirit of a bird residing within
my soul

within this feather I find flight
leaving behind the bothers of
everyday life

while in my hand I hold a stone
presented to me from the heart
of mother earth, herself

born of fire like a diamond but
yellow green in color, Olivine
the anti-envy gem of light releasing
the knowledge of spiritual destiny

solitude stands upon a precipice in
quiet reverence to those who dared
to look up, step out, and be different

some find their way while some do not
others are stronger than the voices
and carry those who cannot walk

in my hand, I hold a leaf of a tree greater
than the sum total we all have lost, magic
energizes the air surrounding this grove
while peace settles this emotional state

these are the elements holding my world
together, odd as it may seem, such things
will never abandon me

in my heart, I hold all my hopes and dreams
it’s not a safe place but, it is where they were
born and thrive

which is why in my hand I hold a feather, a stone,
and a leaf

Katovski2017