All posts by poeticlinguist

Lavender Water

I’m drowning in your sea of tranquility
the hands that reach to save me only
hold for a moment before letting go
and letting god

who doesn’t seem to exist or why would
my lungs fill with the struggle of life and if
I sink to the bottom to push off to break
free what is there to find on the other side

I met this girl and am scared to death to tell
her I like her even though she lives twenty-five
hundred miles away which should be enough
of a barrier to cushion any negative reply but
it seems that light speed has a different theory

her art is as amazing as her conversation in one
hand there is a phone and in the other her card
afraid to move past this point due to a malfunction
that quite possibly put me here a couple of decades
too early

I’m lost in the moment where the most beautiful
girl in the milky way gave me a lavender water hug
that lingered just enough to mean something

I’m drowning in your sea of tranquility and am quite
certain I don’t know what to do

Robert S Katovski Olson 2018

Advertisements

It Must Be Me

It’s become painfully clear
after looking deep inside
that for some reason far
beyond my realm of thinking

when it comes to choices
some are better than others
and I’m sitting here on the
sidelines waiting to be called
into the game

it’s halftime and the coach is
screaming for us to keep going
keep doing what we are doing
and we will collectively win

there is a lot of truth in that
energy yet being suited up
to play and only getting to
be a jersey wearing cheerleader
will never find for me the
end zone

as I sit and reflect think and
project often wondering why
that afternoon all those years
ago changed me in a way that
since the last drop leaked out
and a spirit left me alone there
has never been a chance to
become someone’s first or
best choice

surrounded by the beauty of
people I so adore hiding behind
a lens sometimes craving
something more lost and alone
capturing the loveliness of a
moment trying to forget the reason
for becoming this broken knowing
all along it must be me

Robert S Katovski Olson 2018

Outside My Imagination

My love life is complicated
It exists only in my heart
For my head gave up on
Believing

She knows precisely how I
Feel yet I wonder if she
believes enough to take a
Chance

It’s been one trip around the
Sun since all my secret feelings
Were put out there and those
Who are so quick to judge
Laughed their laughs and pointed

But what they don’t know is a book
Of a different cover and here I am
still alive and alone in a completely
Different place than when I was dying

Maybe the reasons for being alone
Are for lessons learned in the key
Of want versus need where a fine
Line is drawn between

What I do know is that it’s okay to
Be alone after living a life of need
For I would rather want to be with
Her than to depend upon her
Because that would be needy

I wonder if she knows that my head
And heart agree and wanting her is
Part of what makes me the person
I am today

Maybe one day my love life will exist
Outside my imagination

Robert S Katovski Olson 2018

She is Amazing

I sat down just to think
about everything and
nothing in particular
yet how to do that
without exposing my
innermost feelings

to a person who means
perhaps more to me than
she may ever know and
there you have it we know
this is about a woman an
amazing woman

some thirteen years had
passed from the loss of
a friend I called best
to the time when she
stepped gracefully into
my life

now she too has exited
from what I believe to
be my greatest dream
right into a place which
is not so pleasant

in that access has been
denied by a force greater
than my own to a point
that even though she is
still my best friend we
are but passing spirits in
the night

which leads to the most
amazing dreams or is it
insane to find such
pleasantry in what should
be deemed a nightmare
because when morning
comes I still am alone
without her

am I then bewitched or
is it that my dreams flow
from an imagination set
to protect a child like
innocence that some
would call stupidity

or can there be reality
in things called miracles
changes of heart do
happen but do they have
a reverse or is it just let
it go and wait until maybe
love returns but does that
have anything to do with
nothing in particular

they say as time goes on
this will get easier yet they
know absolutely nothing
about a friendship forged
in the fires that lead us to
each other

and here I am feeling like
I am losing even that and
for what

I’m hanging on to the little
things because they are
really the most important

maybe tonight I can find her
in a dream for that moment
where everything is right

after all I did tell you she is
amazing

Robert S Katovski Olson 2018

What’s Love Got to do with it

I see you walking toward me
there’s something in the air
reacting with my chemistry set
causing this body to override
the brain

call it desire, call it craving
call it what it is, lust
and suddenly I cannot think
of anything but touching you

there’s this spot just inside your
elbow when gently caressed
gives rise to the skin beneath
my fingers

yet when these lips softly kiss
the nape of your neck breath falls
short and temperatures ascend
to the quickening of your heartbeat

our chemicals are reacting within
a spontaneous combustion to a point
where I feel your nails digging deep
and that pain pleasure mix stirs the
caldron to the point

where love has nothing to do with
this increasing need to look deep
into your eyes as we come together

Katovski 2018

Growing Pains

it’s been a while now
since you’ve been gone
that downward spiral took
me to a place that seems
endlessly to try taking this
one life I have

the climb from rock bottom
has clearly been an education
the lessons have all been tests
and the summit experience
is a personal peak guarded
from the outside world

who am I today?
a bird of a different feather
feeling the pain of loss
deeper than this remodeled
core of existence can contain

I feel it within my bones
but it’s not what you think
I miss you more than the
friend who took her own
life all those years ago

and I don’t know what to do
about it. no solution presents
itself in any of my day and or
night dreams while still every
night my last thought is a question

that has nothing to do with me and
everything to do with you and in
my head I clearly hear your voice
asking the same

Robert S. Katovski Olson 2018

Loss of the Dream Mind

That thing I wish for the most
all the hours I’m awake and
fail to find when the time comes
to actually have it

Daydreaming is but a pleasant moment
yet lacks the vivid reality found within the
lucid where at least I can relive a time and
or a place which brought happiness

Is it any wonder I am slowly losing my mind
as the digits change from one hour to the next
and the fight rages on until just minutes before
dawn changes the day

This then is what becomes the dreamer who
cannot find his dream

Robert S Katovksi Olson 2018

Lemonade

When was that last time someone, anyone
hugged you uncomfortably long but you didn’t mind because you didn’t know when that would happen again?

When?
was the last time someone fell asleep in your arms and you stayed awake all night because you were afraid your PTSD would cause them harm?

When?
Was the last time someone, anyone kissed you even if it wasn’t about love but just a higher sign of affection?

When?
Was the last time you felt comfortable enough in your own skin to ask someone you admire to just hang out?

I remember the hug it was Friday night and I hope it lasts until the next

It’s funny because I don’t remember the next three.
Has it been that long?
Is this what becomes life when the unforeseen deals
a nearly fatal blow to which there is no bouncing back?

There is a certain happiness found in the capturing of moments which becomes therapeutic when it creates a smile

From one to the next and the next after that like a game of hopscotch, energy is found to get from one to another even if my batteries never completely charge.

I try to make the best out of what I’ve been given but there has got to be something else one can make from lemons

Robert S Katovski Olson 2018

Fires of Angxiety

It was one of those days
The kind where anxiety drips
Like benzine on to a festering flame

Consumed within it’s lack of control
Feeling heat rise along the Kelvin
Wild eyed and sparked these are not
Stars dancing in the ocular rear view

Reaching deep inside the psyche feeling
for that in case of emergency fire blanket
more as a shield for innocent bystanders
than anything else

Needing just one moment of separation
from that which fans the flames

Humans like oxygen are a key ingredient
in the fires of anxiety

Robert s katovski Olson 2018

Twenty Four Seven

Is a measure of time
In which life begins
Happens and ends

Five is a number
Dead-center in a scale
Where one is okay and
Ten is the worst imaginable

Pain is a fort a street an
Overall feeling that something
Is completely wrong it’s a
Trail of tears the closer it
Moves to a number higher
Than an individual threshold

I don’t have a physical address
But most days wong-baker has
Me living somewhere between
Five and ten

Mentally I deal with the five
Because that is truly where I
Live twenty four hours a day
Seven days a week

Four is the number of years
That I have not received mail
At the above address but ten is
The time when my mental capacity                                                                          to suppress such discomfort
Steps through a portal to a number
Greater than that which makes
Sleep impossible without something
Stronger than I am willing to admit

There is no telling where I may be
At any given time but you can find me                                                            twenty four seven standing at
the threshold of five

Robert S Katovski Olson 2018