It Must Be Me

It’s become painfully clear
after looking deep inside
that for some reason far
beyond my realm of thinking

when it comes to choices
some are better than others
and I’m sitting here on the
sidelines waiting to be called
into the game

it’s halftime and the coach is
screaming for us to keep going
keep doing what we are doing
and we will collectively win

there is a lot of truth in that
energy yet being suited up
to play and only getting to
be a jersey wearing cheerleader
will never find for me the
end zone

as I sit and reflect think and
project often wondering why
that afternoon all those years
ago changed me in a way that
since the last drop leaked out
and a spirit left me alone there
has never been a chance to
become someone’s first or
best choice

surrounded by the beauty of
people I so adore hiding behind
a lens sometimes craving
something more lost and alone
capturing the loveliness of a
moment trying to forget the reason
for becoming this broken knowing
all along it must be me

Robert S Katovski Olson 2018

Outside My Imagination

My love life is complicated
It exists only in my heart
For my head gave up on
Believing

She knows precisely how I
Feel yet I wonder if she
believes enough to take a
Chance

It’s been one trip around the
Sun since all my secret feelings
Were put out there and those
Who are so quick to judge
Laughed their laughs and pointed

But what they don’t know is a book
Of a different cover and here I am
still alive and alone in a completely
Different place than when I was dying

Maybe the reasons for being alone
Are for lessons learned in the key
Of want versus need where a fine
Line is drawn between

What I do know is that it’s okay to
Be alone after living a life of need
For I would rather want to be with
Her than to depend upon her
Because that would be needy

I wonder if she knows that my head
And heart agree and wanting her is
Part of what makes me the person
I am today

Maybe one day my love life will exist
Outside my imagination

Robert S Katovski Olson 2018

She is Amazing

I sat down just to think
about everything and
nothing in particular
yet how to do that
without exposing my
innermost feelings

to a person who means
perhaps more to me than
she may ever know and
there you have it we know
this is about a woman an
amazing woman

some thirteen years had
passed from the loss of
a friend I called best
to the time when she
stepped gracefully into
my life

now she too has exited
from what I believe to
be my greatest dream
right into a place which
is not so pleasant

in that access has been
denied by a force greater
than my own to a point
that even though she is
still my best friend we
are but passing spirits in
the night

which leads to the most
amazing dreams or is it
insane to find such
pleasantry in what should
be deemed a nightmare
because when morning
comes I still am alone
without her

am I then bewitched or
is it that my dreams flow
from an imagination set
to protect a child like
innocence that some
would call stupidity

or can there be reality
in things called miracles
changes of heart do
happen but do they have
a reverse or is it just let
it go and wait until maybe
love returns but does that
have anything to do with
nothing in particular

they say as time goes on
this will get easier yet they
know absolutely nothing
about a friendship forged
in the fires that lead us to
each other

and here I am feeling like
I am losing even that and
for what

I’m hanging on to the little
things because they are
really the most important

maybe tonight I can find her
in a dream for that moment
where everything is right

after all I did tell you she is
amazing

Robert S Katovski Olson 2018