Tag Archives: relationships

The Eve of Something More

The thing is this, I’m scared
a long time ago taking what
remained my heart with
its shards and fragments I
placed them all within the
relative safety of a box

a heart shaped box held fast
by a heart shaped lock and
sealed in wax made out of
tears bled from a thousand
lifetimes of heartache

then taking it to the deepest
darkest depths of and already
imploded inner most world to
the furthermost stone of rock
bottom

inside this heart shaped stone
I lay to rest the heart shaped
box containing every hope and
dream of every life lived from
the beginning to the present
which is empty for I have no
heart

cutting deep and long my hand
I sealed this tomb in the blood
which once pulsed vibrantly
then turned and walked away

returning to life as an outsider
looking in, wondering if happiness
is worth the pain of endurance

yet I feel this may be the eve of
that something more which has
evaded me for eternity

having just now returned from
the stone of rock bottom, sitting
with the heart shaped box on my
lap, picking at the wax with a heart
shaped key

wondering when the lock turns
open if then time will have truly
healed what was ultimately
broken beyond repair

will then the pure light of truth
reveal once again she who has
filled my dreams since the ink
dried on a worthless piece of
paper

one indiscretion does not erase
the multitude of amazing one
person is or contains

If I could only paint a picture
of a thousand words it would
look something like this

I forgive you

Robert S Katovski Olson 2018

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About The Kiss

Decompression on the run
there isn’t even a minute
to spare between finishing
one project and arriving for
the next

pre-planning on the fly while
the rest of the world finds
visions of sugarplums dancing
in their dreams

I steal a moment just for me
my head already on the pillow
the voices gather all around
just to remind that being this
busy all in the name of drowning
out their drone does not negate
the fact that …….

and here we go! Yes, I have not
been
kissed
in over four years, excluding
the occasional very affectionate
kiss on the cheek

surviving only on the momentary
nectar of verbal love like a donation
to the needy my heart grows ever
weary from starvation and neglect

seventy-two more hours of fasting
until the next possible feeding but
there is no guarantee and if I die
before you wake will then the voices
have won?

what has happened in this culture
where everyone has chosen to kiss
possibly the wrong one while there
is a certain shy extrovert standing by
holding a camera

capturing a moment because in his minds
eye it is beautiful yet that certain beauty
only crosses his path through the viewfinder
and leaves him with nothing but a memory
that isn’t even his

Robert S Katovski Olson2018

It Must Be Me

It’s become painfully clear
after looking deep inside
that for some reason far
beyond my realm of thinking

when it comes to choices
some are better than others
and I’m sitting here on the
sidelines waiting to be called
into the game

it’s halftime and the coach is
screaming for us to keep going
keep doing what we are doing
and we will collectively win

there is a lot of truth in that
energy yet being suited up
to play and only getting to
be a jersey wearing cheerleader
will never find for me the
end zone

as I sit and reflect think and
project often wondering why
that afternoon all those years
ago changed me in a way that
since the last drop leaked out
and a spirit left me alone there
has never been a chance to
become someone’s first or
best choice

surrounded by the beauty of
people I so adore hiding behind
a lens sometimes craving
something more lost and alone
capturing the loveliness of a
moment trying to forget the reason
for becoming this broken knowing
all along it must be me

Robert S Katovski Olson 2018

Attraction Factor

Consider the light that shown down
from a dark and star filled night
what then fell to earth behind
the radiance which bathed her in
stardust

yet magic of such dark matters
poisoned a destiny, altering a life in
progress

the heart wants what it wants and in
that respect the heart is stupid. It forgets
how attractive intelligence is, which is a
consideration of the mind.

shall we then consider the flesh? And the
mythical monster called love. Which is really
nothing more than a dressed-up version of
lust, whose primal urge plainly defines it as
I like you enough to want to, fuck you, again!

while in the heat of that moment a relationship
is forged without the alliance of the brain.

you see the brain tells us to be cautious, to take
our time, to not jump off that cliff of impending
doom

while the heart says “that’s nonsense! Come on
let’s jump! Free falling is the orgasm that intellect
forgot!

Impact however, is an important detail which the
heart never thinks about until the searing pain
spreads rapidly and the brain is forced to take over
picking up the pieces in some weird altered state
version of Humpty Dumpty.

somehow, we are led to believe the heart is a compass
when in reality it often leaves us lost

meanwhile the brain stands over there, leaning against
a wall, wearing a black leather jacket, looking like
James Dean, shaking its head, wondering, asking, screaming
what the fuck is wrong with you

at which point in this hallucination James turns into a
twenty-one-year-old marine, who you, I made a promise
to, that you, I would not do this again. When making a
promise to a government trained killer there is a certain
amount of intimidation in the air

so, breathe deep that which will set you free, and in that
freedom find the attraction factor of intelligence

Katovski2017

Defined

Life, love, the age of fragmentation
and identity theft runs rampant among
those defined by someone other than
themselves

lost, amnesia, the who am I effect, stripped
of definition left to wander, alone, solitude
not withstanding

silence, fog, zero visibility, vertigo, how then
now to find the way, naked and afraid exposed
before all the elements

yet one stands apart living without love for it is
but a fragmentation, solitude provides a safe
place for the wanderer whose character came
into question

found in the shadows of the fringe on the outside
looking in shedding life like a skin, every step a
journey, each blister a story

a loner by default needs no one to describe them
with fables and tales of grandiose ideas for they are
the glittering generality of a person or persons wishing
to make something more out of what is not

life is life, while love clearly is a corruption of an idea based
upon a need, self-discovery is then a voyage within the
innermost world where one can define themselves as they
please

Katovski2017

Happily Never After

Life, it’s all about choices
which define a direction,
some of which are blind
leaps of faith while others
seem a bit more rational
in the promise of something
better than the present

in every choice there is
a giving up of one thing
in order to have the other
and in this, it is a rare occasion
that one can honestly say they
have considered what it is that
is being given up

to state my case clearly would
be to admit to a thirteen year
relationship with a ghost, who
became trading stock for someone
other, someone I could touch
and feel, someone tangible

the making of that choice became
the choosing to release the spirit
of one most dear for a perception,
which led to the day in which I
became a choice not taken

wise advice finds its way within
through hindsight clarity to where
greener grass exists only in thought

people often say the pain will ease
in time, but the only thing fading is
the memory, which is now two-fold
and I am angry, for one chose me not
but still loves me and the other, I gave
up perfection to be left with nothing

I feign a bit of happiness so that those
who cannot see past its veil, will justly
believe that I’m alright, but then there
are few who know better

and now to no avail, I have tried conjuring
the ghost while growing increasingly weary
of what I seek, wouldn’t it be perfect if when
we made a choice that didn’t work out quite
in the way we expected the previous would
return without question like nothing contrary
had ever happened?

said the one holding nothing, it doesn’t work
that way! when you let go you let go, there
are no do overs, no punch backs, no mulligans

and to the ones who were not chosen, and still
hope for happily ever after, you’re standing at
a crossroad called happily never after.

Katovski 2017

Mixed Media

How to stop loving someone
when they’re no longer with
you even though they send
messages and call acting
concerned HOW

yet someone is terrified of
losing the friendship, they
threw away but understand
it’s not fair to give false hope

I’m angry at myself for believing
there is any good in the heart
of any one person, because there’s
not,

word play is so full of ulterior
motive which bleeds over into
actions confusing the mind of
the seeker

causing the spill over of heart
feelings and now everyone
knows my shame

then come the cathartic words
that make it easier to sleep at
night for the one who says they
love and miss me

how can any of this be? something
died inside the day you departed
before the day you told me

and now I’m writing this so that
I can feel better about being the
one who thought there was a bit
of truth to hold on to in the mixed
media message from someone who
thought I was still an option

Katovski2017

Tonight I Wait

It’s a question and nothing more
the answer rests with one or is
there a riddle within the query

a chance taken either becomes
the chance given or is left alone
and a case stated becomes the
labor of that which confuses yet
its act clarifies the truth

where a circle has no beginning
and no end somehow there is a
magic in its fullness that always
returns me back

to a point thirteen degrees left
of the northern magnetic pole
in that place where the world
became lost around us and the
single most important thing we
found was an unbreakable bond

certain forces have succeeded to
break us but still our bond remains
even though we are apart for now
or forever

your heart is already in that place
I’m walking backwards so I can see
you coming just in case you change
your mind

soon I’ll arrive at our perfect place
wondering of questions and answers
tonight, I wait

Katovski2017

Did I Get It Wrong

Have I lived my time
with you and now its
over?

no looking back even
if it feels good to the point
that it brings on the sadness
flowing through my veins from
that eternal crack in my heart
that never healed from the first
break.

did I get it wrong?
thinking that continually
re-breaking it will in some
way eventually heal my heart
correctly

what if the hammer that
initially broke it is hiding
in the recesses of a damaged
memory

will taking my hand from its
handle figuratively count as
literally letting it go and will
that be enough

the past will never change
but knowing that, will find
some balance in the future

now I’m looking forward
still recognizing hopes and
dreams that have yet to be
realized

seeing the other side of
that which finds your
beauty wondering if
I ever told you

alas, maybe it’s too late for
such things

Katovski2017

Out of Sequence

I considered your eyes
even though we were
a world apart

questioning why wondering
what good could come from
this departure

I’ve not given up on me I’m
still fighting a fight as grave
as it may seem at times for
this silly notion thinking if
I improve maybe you would
return

didn’t you know I don’t want
anyone else to know me better
or that I’m in the midst of a
battle to rise above the things
that changed me enough to
lose you

in all of life there can only be
one number one and the thought
of what to do escapes me in a way
that finds me wounded internally

shall I just reserve this as a pleasant
memory to be replayed whenever
a certain happy mood is desired
but how long would I be able to stay
in that moment before it turns into
the sadness waiting to incapacitate me

always the risk taker I would accept
this as a challenge knowing there is
a chance greater than the odds stacked
against me of eminent failure

outsiders may ask if I am crazy and you
know I may just be crazy but then I would
be a fool not to go after what I truly desire
and by the shadows I would know whether
or not this feeling is my truth or a fictitious
plot imagined in a distorted subconscious

sometimes love doesn’t stop just because
we choose to move out of sequence maybe
there needs to be a break to realign the beat
and maybe that will never happen but it’s that
chance I have to take to live in a way different
than I have been

you see I looked into your eyes and I still see
my reflection coming back to me tonight I’m
still considering them even though we are a
world apart

Katovski2017