Loss of the Dream Mind

That thing I wish for the most
all the hours I’m awake and
fail to find when the time comes
to actually have it

Daydreaming is but a pleasant moment
yet lacks the vivid reality found within the
lucid where at least I can relive a time and
or a place which brought happiness

Is it any wonder I am slowly losing my mind
as the digits change from one hour to the next
and the fight rages on until just minutes before
dawn changes the day

This then is what becomes the dreamer who
cannot find his dream

Robert S Katovksi Olson 2018

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Lemonade

When was that last time someone, anyone
hugged you uncomfortably long but you didn’t mind because you didn’t know when that would happen again?

When?
was the last time someone fell asleep in your arms and you stayed awake all night because you were afraid your PTSD would cause them harm?

When?
Was the last time someone, anyone kissed you even if it wasn’t about love but just a higher sign of affection?

When?
Was the last time you felt comfortable enough in your own skin to ask someone you admire to just hang out?

I remember the hug it was Friday night and I hope it lasts until the next

It’s funny because I don’t remember the next three.
Has it been that long?
Is this what becomes life when the unforeseen deals
a nearly fatal blow to which there is no bouncing back?

There is a certain happiness found in the capturing of moments which becomes therapeutic when it creates a smile

From one to the next and the next after that like a game of hopscotch, energy is found to get from one to another even if my batteries never completely charge.

I try to make the best out of what I’ve been given but there has got to be something else one can make from lemons

Robert S Katovski Olson 2018

Fires of Angxiety

It was one of those days
The kind where anxiety drips
Like benzine on to a festering flame

Consumed within it’s lack of control
Feeling heat rise along the Kelvin
Wild eyed and sparked these are not
Stars dancing in the ocular rear view

Reaching deep inside the psyche feeling
for that in case of emergency fire blanket
more as a shield for innocent bystanders
than anything else

Needing just one moment of separation
from that which fans the flames

Humans like oxygen are a key ingredient
in the fires of anxiety

Robert s katovski Olson 2018

Twenty Four Seven

Is a measure of time
In which life begins
Happens and ends

Five is a number
Dead-center in a scale
Where one is okay and
Ten is the worst imaginable

Pain is a fort a street an
Overall feeling that something
Is completely wrong it’s a
Trail of tears the closer it
Moves to a number higher
Than an individual threshold

I don’t have a physical address
But most days wong-baker has
Me living somewhere between
Five and ten

Mentally I deal with the five
Because that is truly where I
Live twenty four hours a day
Seven days a week

Four is the number of years
That I have not received mail
At the above address but ten is
The time when my mental capacity                                                                          to suppress such discomfort
Steps through a portal to a number
Greater than that which makes
Sleep impossible without something
Stronger than I am willing to admit

There is no telling where I may be
At any given time but you can find me                                                            twenty four seven standing at
the threshold of five

Robert S Katovski Olson 2018

Equilibrium

But for a moment
I wished the wish of a thousand souls
imprisoned within the chaos left from
wondering why

star shine in the twinkling of an eye
the utterance of a powerful word
I wished yet again this wish, then
stepped off into a dream to make
sense of my reality

old is the soul carried within the deepest
depths of an inner world whose wants
vary little from its needs. Drying up and
out dying in a way, slowly losing that which
holds life in balance

these nightly forays into lands beyond mortal
dreams, yield only torment, having sat with
thousands upon tens of hundreds of thousands
these souls restrained inside their own dreams
and wishes for something more than what life
had given them

clearly then I have gained such understanding
that to live a life without something more than
the torments of humanity or the beloved comfort
of companionship is not one which I wish to live

there is no path leading to what I seek, but if then
I find it for an hour or a day or even sometime more
just maybe there in the depths of my inner world
the balance of life will again be found

R.S.Katovski O.2018

By Fire

He sat looking off into the night
as the flames wicked up the walls
of an inner world whose edges rolled
down in the heat, exposing reality for
what it is

we read about cleansing by fire
which seems the only way to remove
impurities that unravel our inner structure

and from the ashes like a phoenix we rise
again, stepping out into life empowered
by an all new inner world born of the same
fire that destroyed it

many are the things that remain the same
but out of those ashes there has been a
change in direction

while disaster smolders in the rear view
the road ahead is clear

he sat looking off into the night as the
flames wicked up the walls behind him

Katovski2018

Attraction Factor

Consider the light that shown down
from a dark and star filled night
what then fell to earth behind
the radiance which bathed her in
stardust

yet magic of such dark matters
poisoned a destiny, altering a life in
progress

the heart wants what it wants and in
that respect the heart is stupid. It forgets
how attractive intelligence is, which is a
consideration of the mind.

shall we then consider the flesh? And the
mythical monster called love. Which is really
nothing more than a dressed-up version of
lust, whose primal urge plainly defines it as
I like you enough to want to, fuck you, again!

while in the heat of that moment a relationship
is forged without the alliance of the brain.

you see the brain tells us to be cautious, to take
our time, to not jump off that cliff of impending
doom

while the heart says “that’s nonsense! Come on
let’s jump! Free falling is the orgasm that intellect
forgot!

Impact however, is an important detail which the
heart never thinks about until the searing pain
spreads rapidly and the brain is forced to take over
picking up the pieces in some weird altered state
version of Humpty Dumpty.

somehow, we are led to believe the heart is a compass
when in reality it often leaves us lost

meanwhile the brain stands over there, leaning against
a wall, wearing a black leather jacket, looking like
James Dean, shaking its head, wondering, asking, screaming
what the fuck is wrong with you

at which point in this hallucination James turns into a
twenty-one-year-old marine, who you, I made a promise
to, that you, I would not do this again. When making a
promise to a government trained killer there is a certain
amount of intimidation in the air

so, breathe deep that which will set you free, and in that
freedom find the attraction factor of intelligence

Katovski2017

A Touch in Time

Softly, her fingers slid across my skin
tingling, hair raising deep scream from
within the direst of need

cool trace heated core cascading feelings
inner world bliss in long gentle strokes
rise, to the occasion where tender is the
touch and for the moment something, feels,
right

present life regression to the point where
no one cared while forgotten lives spin, slip
then burn out

the feel of her skin made me happy in ways
that need not be explained, yet time, never on
our side drains quickly from the clock, asking
for an hour really wanting more

is it financially frugal to continue while internally
the needs remind the wants that too much of a
good thing spells addiction in way not defined

drought, the drying of a life spring the dying of a
spirit where simple desire and unanswered wishes
flatline the heart of a world living without

some people seek therapy to relieve the pain of sore
muscles some of us seek therapy just to fulfill a basic
human need

like a cat I have a desire a need a want to be petted
in a manner of speaking through the hands of another
we can experience the warmth of kindness

forgive me, look down on me if you must, but yes, I pay
another human to touch me because I live without
this is the harsh reality of the world we live in

now excuse me please I have an appointment
Softly, her fingers slid across my skin

Katovski2017

My Suicide

Once upon a movie, the memory
triggered from a time that refuses
to stay buried in the past

even though a promise made and kept
remains the most difficult task, due to
circumstances beyond the mortal control
of any one person

not everyone has the same story which
often leads to a copycat result, but maybe
there is synchronicity in their path

could it be that some share the same need
to be and feel loved, but why is it that we don’t?
personally, I know my parents and my child love me
but I need something far different from that

it’s been a longtime since I felt the touch that
found home, while the hugs and love you brothers
made in greetings are wonderful, yet usually stay
right where they were cast

people that consider it, often leave subtle hints in hope
that someone will talk to them about what is going on
they may do this several times before just fading away
becoming the mother fucker, in, “I can’t believe that mother
fucker did that to us” which is a shoe best never worn

sometimes they just lose their shit, while others lose everything
and in the continual taking away of puzzle pieces that complete,
the voices begin to bully, telling me, that everyone would be
better off without me because no one, not a soul loves me, but
little do they know, a promise made to a five-year-old makes
me stronger than all the voices combined

we may never know what causes people to hate their lives and I wish
there was a way to convince them to just remove the parts they hate
instead of creating a new group of victims left to wonder why

Robert S Katovski Olson2017

Absolutely Nothing

It’s that sick feeling in the
pit of your stomach the same
one you thought was butterflies
early on

funny isn’t it, how a feeling can
have two meanings completely
opposite from one another

the pain experienced when a heart
breaks itself differs much from that
of the shattering caused by another

but then this feeling so many get hooked
on is nothing more than a lie perpetuated
on the need to mate

somewhere in time someone hung a price tag
on such a thing and then commerce was born
in the name of love

boiled down and dissected nothing about it is
free, for it can take your money, your happiness,
and your self-esteem

leaving you alone in a crowd where no one will even
see you, you’re just something to step around like
the indigent on the corner holding a sign worded
need a hug

there wasn’t a question there it was a request for
a basic human need, yet so many struggle on without

people often drop subtle hints as to what is wrong
or what they are about to do but humanity is too worried
about what will it cost them to reach out and touch someone

my butterflies turned to nausea, it’s a good thing I can swim
and or tread water because I realized that unless I come right
out and say that I’m hearing the voices and they keep saying
the same thing they have always said and I am still here alone
trying to be stronger than the very voices telling me I would be
better off

when all that it would take is for one person to realize that my
struggle is real and it could very well end in the dynamics of
something as simple as a caring embrace that cost absolutely
nothing

RobertSKatovskiOlson2017