Within Reach

I wanted to hug you when
we last met, but was afraid.
you see, I had already fallen

or was it that I tripped and fell
and was free falling because
that is the feeling I get when
you’re close enough to see the
sparkle in your eyes

yet there was no fear of the
impact only that someone
would reach out and catch me
not understanding the meaning
directly or the need to make a
precision landing

deep within the heart of the one
person who moved me in a way
when she smiled gave the
sensation that nothing was missing

you were and always will be my love
at first sight on any given day or in
the dark of any random night

and for as long as I know you I will
keep asking how to find Polaris
because there is nothing quite as
beautiful as standing behind you
star gazing knowing the most
amazing person is within reach

Robert S Katovski Olson2018


The Eve of Something More

The thing is this, I’m scared
a long time ago taking what
remained my heart with
its shards and fragments I
placed them all within the
relative safety of a box

a heart shaped box held fast
by a heart shaped lock and
sealed in wax made out of
tears bled from a thousand
lifetimes of heartache

then taking it to the deepest
darkest depths of and already
imploded inner most world to
the furthermost stone of rock

inside this heart shaped stone
I lay to rest the heart shaped
box containing every hope and
dream of every life lived from
the beginning to the present
which is empty for I have no

cutting deep and long my hand
I sealed this tomb in the blood
which once pulsed vibrantly
then turned and walked away

returning to life as an outsider
looking in, wondering if happiness
is worth the pain of endurance

yet I feel this may be the eve of
that something more which has
evaded me for eternity

having just now returned from
the stone of rock bottom, sitting
with the heart shaped box on my
lap, picking at the wax with a heart
shaped key

wondering when the lock turns
open if then time will have truly
healed what was ultimately
broken beyond repair

will then the pure light of truth
reveal once again she who has
filled my dreams since the ink
dried on a worthless piece of

one indiscretion does not erase
the multitude of amazing one
person is or contains

If I could only paint a picture
of a thousand words it would
look something like this

I forgive you

Robert S Katovski Olson 2018

About The Kiss

Decompression on the run
there isn’t even a minute
to spare between finishing
one project and arriving for
the next

pre-planning on the fly while
the rest of the world finds
visions of sugarplums dancing
in their dreams

I steal a moment just for me
my head already on the pillow
the voices gather all around
just to remind that being this
busy all in the name of drowning
out their drone does not negate
the fact that …….

and here we go! Yes, I have not
in over four years, excluding
the occasional very affectionate
kiss on the cheek

surviving only on the momentary
nectar of verbal love like a donation
to the needy my heart grows ever
weary from starvation and neglect

seventy-two more hours of fasting
until the next possible feeding but
there is no guarantee and if I die
before you wake will then the voices
have won?

what has happened in this culture
where everyone has chosen to kiss
possibly the wrong one while there
is a certain shy extrovert standing by
holding a camera

capturing a moment because in his minds
eye it is beautiful yet that certain beauty
only crosses his path through the viewfinder
and leaves him with nothing but a memory
that isn’t even his

Robert S Katovski Olson2018

Lavender Water

I’m drowning in your sea of tranquility
the hands that reach to save me only
hold for a moment before letting go
and letting god

who doesn’t seem to exist or why would
my lungs fill with the struggle of life and if
I sink to the bottom to push off to break
free what is there to find on the other side

I met this girl and am scared to death to tell
her I like her even though she lives twenty-five
hundred miles away which should be enough
of a barrier to cushion any negative reply but
it seems that light speed has a different theory

her art is as amazing as her conversation in one
hand there is a phone and in the other her card
afraid to move past this point due to a malfunction
that quite possibly put me here a couple of decades
too early

I’m lost in the moment where the most beautiful
girl in the milky way gave me a lavender water hug
that lingered just enough to mean something

I’m drowning in your sea of tranquility and am quite
certain I don’t know what to do

Robert S Katovski Olson 2018

It Must Be Me

It’s become painfully clear
after looking deep inside
that for some reason far
beyond my realm of thinking

when it comes to choices
some are better than others
and I’m sitting here on the
sidelines waiting to be called
into the game

it’s halftime and the coach is
screaming for us to keep going
keep doing what we are doing
and we will collectively win

there is a lot of truth in that
energy yet being suited up
to play and only getting to
be a jersey wearing cheerleader
will never find for me the
end zone

as I sit and reflect think and
project often wondering why
that afternoon all those years
ago changed me in a way that
since the last drop leaked out
and a spirit left me alone there
has never been a chance to
become someone’s first or
best choice

surrounded by the beauty of
people I so adore hiding behind
a lens sometimes craving
something more lost and alone
capturing the loveliness of a
moment trying to forget the reason
for becoming this broken knowing
all along it must be me

Robert S Katovski Olson 2018

Outside My Imagination

My love life is complicated
It exists only in my heart
For my head gave up on

She knows precisely how I
Feel yet I wonder if she
believes enough to take a

It’s been one trip around the
Sun since all my secret feelings
Were put out there and those
Who are so quick to judge
Laughed their laughs and pointed

But what they don’t know is a book
Of a different cover and here I am
still alive and alone in a completely
Different place than when I was dying

Maybe the reasons for being alone
Are for lessons learned in the key
Of want versus need where a fine
Line is drawn between

What I do know is that it’s okay to
Be alone after living a life of need
For I would rather want to be with
Her than to depend upon her
Because that would be needy

I wonder if she knows that my head
And heart agree and wanting her is
Part of what makes me the person
I am today

Maybe one day my love life will exist
Outside my imagination

Robert S Katovski Olson 2018

She is Amazing

I sat down just to think
about everything and
nothing in particular
yet how to do that
without exposing my
innermost feelings

to a person who means
perhaps more to me than
she may ever know and
there you have it we know
this is about a woman an
amazing woman

some thirteen years had
passed from the loss of
a friend I called best
to the time when she
stepped gracefully into
my life

now she too has exited
from what I believe to
be my greatest dream
right into a place which
is not so pleasant

in that access has been
denied by a force greater
than my own to a point
that even though she is
still my best friend we
are but passing spirits in
the night

which leads to the most
amazing dreams or is it
insane to find such
pleasantry in what should
be deemed a nightmare
because when morning
comes I still am alone
without her

am I then bewitched or
is it that my dreams flow
from an imagination set
to protect a child like
innocence that some
would call stupidity

or can there be reality
in things called miracles
changes of heart do
happen but do they have
a reverse or is it just let
it go and wait until maybe
love returns but does that
have anything to do with
nothing in particular

they say as time goes on
this will get easier yet they
know absolutely nothing
about a friendship forged
in the fires that lead us to
each other

and here I am feeling like
I am losing even that and
for what

I’m hanging on to the little
things because they are
really the most important

maybe tonight I can find her
in a dream for that moment
where everything is right

after all I did tell you she is

Robert S Katovski Olson 2018

What’s Love Got to do with it

I see you walking toward me
there’s something in the air
reacting with my chemistry set
causing this body to override
the brain

call it desire, call it craving
call it what it is, lust
and suddenly I cannot think
of anything but touching you

there’s this spot just inside your
elbow when gently caressed
gives rise to the skin beneath
my fingers

yet when these lips softly kiss
the nape of your neck breath falls
short and temperatures ascend
to the quickening of your heartbeat

our chemicals are reacting within
a spontaneous combustion to a point
where I feel your nails digging deep
and that pain pleasure mix stirs the
caldron to the point

where love has nothing to do with
this increasing need to look deep
into your eyes as we come together

Katovski 2018

Growing Pains

it’s been a while now
since you’ve been gone
that downward spiral took
me to a place that seems
endlessly to try taking this
one life I have

the climb from rock bottom
has clearly been an education
the lessons have all been tests
and the summit experience
is a personal peak guarded
from the outside world

who am I today?
a bird of a different feather
feeling the pain of loss
deeper than this remodeled
core of existence can contain

I feel it within my bones
but it’s not what you think
I miss you more than the
friend who took her own
life all those years ago

and I don’t know what to do
about it. no solution presents
itself in any of my day and or
night dreams while still every
night my last thought is a question

that has nothing to do with me and
everything to do with you and in
my head I clearly hear your voice
asking the same

Robert S. Katovski Olson 2018

Loss of the Dream Mind

That thing I wish for the most
all the hours I’m awake and
fail to find when the time comes
to actually have it

Daydreaming is but a pleasant moment
yet lacks the vivid reality found within the
lucid where at least I can relive a time and
or a place which brought happiness

Is it any wonder I am slowly losing my mind
as the digits change from one hour to the next
and the fight rages on until just minutes before
dawn changes the day

This then is what becomes the dreamer who
cannot find his dream

Robert S Katovksi Olson 2018