Tag Archives: survival

The Foot

Sometimes just trying to survive
looks a lot like one is giving up
but really who’s counting
I’m sorry, but I just spent a year
trying desperately not to die
these medications
meant to keep me alive
stole things from me
in turn they stole part of
me from you
anxiety and depression
induced memory loss
illness upon and after illness
maybe I became someone
different physically                                                                                                   than I was five years ago
but I never gave up on you
I never lost the ability
that caused you to laugh
how dare you
attempt to tactically fat shame me
knowing I can barely walk
to the mailbox and back
while feeding me fast food
it would have been better to just starve
all this and never dreaming
that you could or even would
become a side effect of the medication
even after finding a way to reverse
the pseudo dementia without
additional medication
by simply reverting back to something
I did as a child like going camping
you seemed impressed by the skills
but did you keep your word
did you come visit the site
Fuck no!
I noticed the behavior change
it wasn’t even subtle
oh hey wait I did give up
waiting on social security
because we needed to survive
every second of those twelve
to sixteen hour days began                                                                                         an accelerated decomposition
of my mortality
The phone rang!
my attorney said we can’t give up now
and I agreed
you said “trust me I’m your best friend ”
followed by “we should get a divorce”
such spur of the moment premeditation
doesn’t go unnoticed while trust just
flew out the window without it even being open
mother fucker! my suspicions
are coming true
how fucking convenient is it to make                                                                   such a proclamation using my condition
as a flimsy facade to hide your
alternate agenda.
I know that no one stole you from me
because you just gave yourself away
you have an inability to tell the truth
even when caught in the act
and there is no turning back now
I guess in some weird way                                                                                               I should thank you for setting me free
because my future does not include you
the rest of my days will be spent living
the life that I have and enjoying it
sticks and stones may still break my bones                                                         in sickness and in health
for better or for worse
nothing compares to the deep internal hurt suffered                                 from the foot that kicked me while I was down
Katovski©2016
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Treading Water

Treading Water

The motion of
riding a bicycle beneath
while moving
the arms and hands
in a circular motion
on the surface of
water

its dynamics are simple
propulsion times displacement
equals survival
a technique used by
mariners, service people
girl scouts and boy scouts
for ages

Treading water
somewhere along the way
while traveling the oceans of life
unknown the captain and crew
I have fallen overboard
into a turbulent and chaotic sea

I am riding my bicycle
without the use of my arms and hands
because they are busy holding
the weight of my entire world
above my head

any lapse of displacement
will plunge my head below the surface
where some amazing clarity can take place
for some they will see their life pass before them
for me I see a list

a list of things I have not yet finished
a list of ideas that have yet to be brought to life
a list of connections with family and friends
that has been suspended
a list of people I have still to meet
a list of ongoing projects that have fallen by the wayside

and I see one more thing
I see that even with all of the good intentions
there are in the world
the only person responsible
for my survival is me
I speed up propulsion
which doubles displacement
and again my head is above the surface

I am gasping for breath
gasping for life
gasping for survival
still holding my world above my head
still holding the list

It may seem like it
but I have not given up
somewhere
somehow
some day
some place some way
I will return and begin again
to move forward

but for now
I am treading water

Katovski©2016